Yes, Virgina, There is a Hercules
This transcript is dedicated to the memory of Kevin Smith.
It's coming down!
EXTRA
Come on!
EXTRA
Hurry!
HERCULES
Sorry to crash the party, but Cassandra's coming
with me. Party's over.
EXTRA
Quickly! Quickly!
KING PANTHEUS
Hercules!
EXTRA
Hurry!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ah-h! Oh, no. I'm blind! I swear, from now on, I'll
sing in the shower instead. I'll-
Who is this and why are you calling me at six
o' two AM?
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Rob! Rob, it's me, Eric! Aw, thank goodness
you're not dead!
ROBERT TAPERT
What was your first clue?
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Well, we heard you had an earthquake last night.
It was all over the news here! Didn't you feel it?!
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Eric, I'm a producer. I don't feel anything.
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Aw, I'm glad to hear it-
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-'cause Rob, apart from the fact that it's still
raining, I've got some bad news.
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What?!
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This'd better be good.
Aw, Rob, I was just thinkin' about you.
No, my weekends wouldn't be complete without
a little taste of Tapert.
What?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get me down from here!
Where'd he go?!
PAINTBALL PLAYER
Shut up!
Howdy.
Hey, boys.
PAINTBALL PLAYER
Aw, you can't use traps in paintball!
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Paintball ain't just a game, soldier. It's a metaphor
for life! It's survival of the fittest! Search and
destroy! Kill or be killed! These are a few o' my
favourite things.
Abel, Baker, Charlie, niner, niner, identify yourself,
come on!
Liz! You on a secure line?
Uh-huh. I'll be right there.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snake eyes. Better luck next time.
EXTRA
Mr. Bond, your baccarat table is ready. Mr. Bond,
your baccarat table is ready.
Where's Lady Luck when I need her?
EXTRA
Mr. Dineiro.
Call for you, Mr. Coyle.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh there you are. Say, I've forgotten my phone
number. Can I use yours?
COCKTAIL WAITRESS
Drop dead, ya geek!
Lenny, I told you, please don't call me here. I'll
have the money for you by next week. I'm sorry,
I just can't get it together.
Oh, Liz. Hi, how are ya? The office? Now? Wait
a minute, I got a better idea. Why don't you come
over to my place? I got a new waterbed. We
could play submarine.
Hello?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the last time, Jerry, nobody's bugging the
office.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
That, is exactly what they wan'cha to think.
Hmm?
You know who loses with these weekend meetings,
people? Me!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
But, you called the meeting, Rob.
ROBERT TAPERT
Don't change the subject. All right, let's get started.
Wait a second. Who's missing?
Melissa?
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Is this thing working? Hello?
Rob, how nice to hear from you. Coffee? Tea?
Prozac?
ROBERT TAPERT
Where the hell are Alex and Bob?
MELISSA BLAKE
I'll find out.
ROBERT TAPERT
You know, that's what I love about you. You're
always-
-fai-
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Oh! Ow! Hello?
MELISSA BLAKE
Rise and shine, losers.
ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh, Melissa, hello.
MELISSA BLAKE
Everyone's waiting for you in the conference
room.
ALEX KURTZMAN
What, they need our help?! Okay, okay! We'll be
right there! Bob!
Huh? Huh?
ALEX KURTZMAN
Wake up! Wake up! Now's the time to show
our stuff!
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Hi, everybody.
Bob says hi, too.
ROBERT TAPERT
When are you two losers gonna get your own
apartment?
ALEX KURTZMAN
Hey, this is our first job in Hollywood. We want
you all to know we're here for you twenty-four
hours a day.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Is that a good thing?
ALEX KURTZMAN
Well, you know, I was just telling Bob that-
Cut it out.
ROBERT TAPERT
All right, shut up, the both of you, and sit down.
Now, I have a fishing trip planned today, and the
sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can
leave. Now, then, we got a problem, people and
it's not pretty. Our bread and butter, the big cheese,
the top banana, has vamoosed.
Oh, for crying out loud, people...Kevin Sorbo
has disappeared.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
What do you mean, Kevin Sorbo's gone missing?
No star, no show. No show, no paycheck. No
paycheck, no kneecaps. I got debts!
ROBERT TAPERT
Well, he was supposed to arrive in New Zealand
this morning, but he didn't show.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I propose we send a recon team, Tapert. Back
in Korea, we had a saying. You never leave a
man behind.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
When were you in Korea?
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I was there for the Olympics, Missy! It was hell.
Melissa, it's Rob.
MELISSA BLAKE
I told you not to call me here.
ROBERT TAPERT
Send Davey in here, on the double.
You wanted me, boss?
ROBERT TAPERT
Davey, I'm gonna give you one last chance to
prove you're not a moron.
DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Gee, thanks!
ROBERT TAPERT
Now, I don't care if you have to go around the
world, young fella. I want you to find Sorbo and
find him quick, d'you understand? Melissa, book
him on the Concorde, but make sure he flies
coach. Davey, don't screw this up.
DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Count on me, boss. I won't let'cha down. Ooh!
Ooh!
Pollison and Blake leave.
ROBERT TAPERT
He's a dopefiend, I know it.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
And what if he doesn't find him?
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I'm gonna be hobbling all the way to the
unemployment office.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Not necessarily. When the going gets tough, the
tough get goin'. Bam! Now, a good soldier always
carries an extra pair of socks, a can opener, a
cap of cyanide. But a great soldier! That's right,
a great soldier, never gives in, no matter what
the odds.
ROBERT TAPERT
Is he insane, or am I crazy?
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Which question would you like me to answer first?
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
I suggest we base this story around another
haracter.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Like who?
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Like Ares, God o' War.
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Why, I remember the time Ares framed Hercules
for murdering his wife. The plan was so simple,
it verged on genius.
Strife laughs.
EXTRA
There he goes!
ARES
I've gotta hand it to you, Strife. This has worked
out better than I could ever have imagined.
STRIFE
It's been fun.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN (voice over)
And when all else fails, the God of War is one
lean, mean, fightin' machine.
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Ha-ha-ha! Jerry, great idea. All right, everybody,
get to work. I'm goin' fishin'!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Hey! You are not actually gonna listen to that
psychopath, are you?! (to Brown) No offense.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
None taken.
ROBERT TAPERT
All right, Liz, spit it out, the fish are jumpin'.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Well, why not do a show about a woman we
can all look up to. You know a woman of the
nineties. A woman who takes matters into her
own hands?
ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, wake up, Liz, we can't afford Margaret Thatcher.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
No. I'm talking about...Callisto.
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When it comes to making Hercules suffer, Ares
isn't even a close second to Callisto. And,
remember that time she poisoned Herc's family?
CALLISTO
Surprise. You've never witnessed the effects of
Xanthalian venom before, have you? It affects
the mind.
HERCULES
What do you want?
CALLISTO
Safe passage through the labyrinths of the gods
to the tree of life. One bite of the fruit cures any illness.
HERCULES
And a whole one makes you immortal.
LIZ FRIEDMAN (voice-over)
And when it comes to trading blows, Callisto
does it with a smile.
CALLISTO
Oh, you're gonna die on your birthday. How
convenient.
Callisto laughs.
HERCULES
No!
CALLISTO
Blow it out and make a wish.
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Hey, great idea, Liz. All right, get to work, everybody.
I'm goin' fishin'.
ALEX KURTZMAN
Oh! Hey, wait! Uh, excuse me.
ROBERT TAPERT
What, what?!
ALEX KURTZMAN
Um, aren't Ares and Callisto both bad guys?
ROBERT TAPERT
Brilliant, so?
ALEX KURTZMAN Okay, well, um, don't they need a good guy to
fight with? I mean, without Hercules, they won't
have anything to do.
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Dumb blonde!
Hey!
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Boy, I hate to admit it, but you got a point.
ROBERT TAPERT
You know? I am really getting tired of people
telling me what I can't do. Can someone please
tell me what I can do?
What now?
Uh, Bob has to go to the bathroom.
ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, all right, all right. Take a break.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
And we have confirmed there are, in fact, six
people trapped inside the apartment building.
Rescue teams are on the scene, racing against
the clock.
Hey, Melissa, there's something I've always
wanted to ask you. You sleep on your stomach?
MELISSA BLAKE
No.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Can I?
MELISSA BLAKE
Paul, I'm wasting my life, in a dead-end job,
while I watch the rest of the world pass me by.
Now, why would I wanna make things worse
by dating you?
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
I know you don't mean that, baby! Hey, why don't
you let me take you to Vegas? I can teach you
how to play roulette.
MELISSA BLAKE
Make it Russian Roulette, you got yourself a deal.
ROBERT TAPERT
Paul, get the hell away from Melissa.
MELISSA BLAKE
Your shake. Enjoy.
ROBERT TAPERT
Uh, no thanks, you can have it. I changed my
mind. Look, get Eric on the phone, will ya? And
fix me something I can chew.
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And now, with my new army of lava people,
Hercules will never...screw with us again!
DIRECTOR
Cut! Cut! Come on! Come on, everybody! Listen,
I know this ain't Shakespeare, Patrick, but "Screw
with us"?! Come on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll take mine well done, Melissa.
MELISSA BLAKE
It's sushi, Rob. You eat it raw.
Hello?
ROBERT TAPERT
Ah, Eric.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any word on Kevin.
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
No, no nothing yet.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Why are you whispering?
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Well, I told the crew Kevin's running a little late.
If they find that he's missing, I could have a
panic on my hands. These people have families
to support!
ROBERT TAPERT
Families, schmamilies. Come on, Eric-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-aren't we all one big family, anyway? Well, look,
just stall 'em as long as you can.
Gesundheit.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're welcome. Now Eric, buddy, I don't want
you to worry about a thing. I got the greatest
staff in the world working on this problem even
as we speak.
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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Ya-da-da-da. Ya-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-a-a-a-a-ah!
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Renaissance Pictures. Oh! Oh, that's wonderful
news!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
All right, you tell him we're looking forward to
seeing him soon. Yeah. Bye-bye.
Oh, my God! The head of the studio's on his
way over here now!
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
The head of the studio's coming!
Red alert! Red alert!
MELISSA BLAKE
Gloves!
EXTRA
The head of the studio-
MELISSA BLAKE
Hat!
EXTRA
-is on his way.
MELISSA BLAKE
Apron!
EXTRA
Estimated time of arrival-
MELISSA BLAKE
Jacket!
EXTRA
-one minute-
MELISSA BLAKE
Rose petals!
EXTRA
-and thirty-seven seconds. One minute, thirty-six
seconds. One minute, thirty-five seconds.
MELISSA BLAKE
Dust! Vacuum! Pictures, erect! Sparkle! Shine!
He's gonna fire us all. I'm a dead man. I'm a
dead man!
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Bring him on, baby!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Shut up! The both of you!
ROBERT TAPERT
Nobody's getting fired! Now, the studio doesn't
know Kevin is missing, and it is going to stay
that way.
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Mr. Hollinsfoffer! It's always a pleasure to have
you here, sir!
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Say, you're a pretty good liar! Are you an executive?!
MELISSA BLAKE
Oh, no, I'm Mister Tapert's assistant.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Come see me in my office, Monday morning!
We need more people like you in management!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh-ho! B.S., how nice to see you again. It hasn't
been long enough.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What the hell's everybody doing here on a Sunday,
anyway, huh?!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Say, is it Sunday? We were so busy,
we--we--we--we--we--we--we--we didn't even
notice.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
That's what I want to hear! Like I always
say, weekends are for communists!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Look what happened to them.
(to Tapert) By the way, what's with the rubber pants?
ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, well, they're the new rage, B.S. All the kids
are wearing rubbers these days, uh, isn't that
right, Liz?
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Yeah, yeah, and if they're not, well, they should be.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Make note to self, buy twelve pair rubber pants.
Hmm. Thanks for the tip, Tap.
Anytime, B.S. Say hello to the wife.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Why am I here?! Oh! During the earthquake a
chandelier fell down 'n' hit me-
-on the head! It was then, that I had a vision, a
new direction for the show! Hercules, the musical!
Huh?! Like La Cage Aux Folles, only better!
Bigger!
Brighter! Goes something like this!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You start with your basic damsel in distress!
OCEA
Stop wasting your time! You need a partner to
enter the contest. No one's crazy enough to
dance with you.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
But, guess who comes along?!
HERCULES
I'll be your partner.
EXTRA
Where'd he come from?
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
All he'd need now is a dance teacher! The kinda'
gal who can teach him how to shake a tailfeather!
WIDOW TWANKY
(singing) Honey, if you try,
I know you'll reach the sky.
Just learn to spread your wings and fly!
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER (voice-over)
Now when it was time for them to strut their stuff,
they set the dance floor on fire!
MAGISTRATE
Get them off that dance floor, now!
EXTRA
Come on!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brilliant!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Real show-stopper, B.S.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
You said it.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, they'll love it in Cleveland.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
If they knew what they liked in Cleveland, they
wouldn't live there.
Yeah, what is it?
DAVID SCOTT POLLISON
Rob, it's Davie!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't been able to find Kevin yet, but, I, uh,
don't worry, I'm onto a new lead on where he
might be, you know?
ROBERT TAPERT
Oh, Davie, how-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-nice to hear from you. Thanks for calling enjoy
the rest of your-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-vacation.
POLLISON
Uh, uh, but, uh-
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Say?! What did he mean "Find Kevin"?
ROBERT TAPERT
Ho! Not, "Find Kevin." "Find...Heaven." He's on
a religious quest. Isn't that right, Liz?
LIZ FRIEDMAN
You betcha. Davie hasn't been the same since
he saw George Burns' face on a tortilla.
It's no use! He knows! It's true! It's true! Kevin
Sorbo's gone missing! Oh, please don't fire me,
please! I throw myself on the mercy of the studio!
Ya lied to me.
I never said Kevin wasn't missing.
You never said he was missing. You're fired!
You can't fire me, I quit!
You can't quit, I fired you!
Oh, come on, guys! We're all friends here.
Uh. Ah-h! Ah-h! Uhh! I'm blind.
Mommy?
You, you, you, you, you, and you, are all fired!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Thanks, Paul.
ROBERT TAPERT
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Maybe, "Sinbad"'s hiring.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Nice poker face, you sniv'lin' coward!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Hey, wait a minute. That's it, poker face.
Uh! We bluff!
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What're ya talkin' about?!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh, our show may not have a star, but, uh, the
audience doesn't need to know that.
ROBERT TAPERT
Earth-to-Paul, once they turn on their TV set,
they'll see. No Hercules.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Yeah, but, what if that is the story, you know?
Like, maybe Hercules is caught up in this--this
big vortex.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember that vortex that led to a parallel world
where everything was backwards?
IOLAUS
Ares? This is a--a new look for you.
ALTERNATE ARES
What did'ja expect? I am the God of Love.
SOVEREIGN
It wouldn't kill you to let it all hang out.
ALTERNATE APHRODITE
Please, no! It's not ladylike.
IOLAUS
Aphrodite shy. Wow.
Now, that, is funny!
ALTERNATE XENA
What is this?! You promised me an execution!
SOVEREIGN
I did, didn't I?
PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
And Hercules had to fight his evil twin, the
Sovereign?
HERCULES
Run, Iolaus!
SOVEREIGN
No. No!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE (voice-over)
Well, why can't we stick Hercules in the vortex, too?
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So while Hercules is trapped in the vortex, all
the other characters have to run around and
help each other ta--ta--ta protect the world from
the Sovereign.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
You idiot! Kevin Sorbo played the Sovereign.
Where do you think you're goin'?
ALEX KURTZMAN
Hey! Hollisonfoffer just fired us, remember?
ROBERT TAPERT
O-oh. O-oh, good point. I'm going fishin'.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Nice workin' with ya.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Right. See ya!
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait--wait!
Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Back! Nobody's
going anywhere! Somebody has to handle this!
You're all rehired!
ALL
(not really happy) Whoo-hoo.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to call an emergency
meeting with the board of directors! And I expect
this to be taken care of, by the time I get back!
Hat! I'm outta here!
Eric is on the line for you.
ALEX KURTZMAN
O-oh, Eric's on the line.
ROBERT TAPERT
Eric. O-oh! Get Eric to the line.
Yes, Eric, go ahead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did Kevin show up, yet?!
ROBERT TAPERT
I was gonna ask you the same thing.
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
I think the crew's getting suspicious. They know
something's up. If they found out I lied to them,
I'm dead. Dead!
ROBERT TAPERT
Well, Eric, just keep your pants on.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
But for God's sake, don't zip 'em up too fast.
It's a killer.
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Somebody's gotta-
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Uh, Rob, I've got a little problem with one of the
extras.
Okay, everybody! That's lunch!
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
Gotta go!
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Well, fellas, I'm afraid we're gonna have to face
the ugly truth. It's time to find a new Hercules.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
What's the matter? Somebody's puppy die? O-oh,
tall, dark and handsome. I miss you, Jer. A hard
man's good to find, these days.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Well, I told you, Beth, relationships are for the
weak.
BETH HYMSON
A week, a day? I'll take an hour. Truth is I only
need a couple of minutes. How is Captain
Happy, hmm?
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Have mercy.
Look, could we just get started, already?
BETH HYMSON
All right, but don't get your hopes up. It's not easy
trying to find qualified applicants on such short
notice. Everyone, this is Johnny Pinko. Say hi,
cutey-pie. Sh-h. Save it. Johnny, here's my gardener.
He trims my hedges twice a week. You should
see the size of his weed-whacker! Okay, Studley?
JOHNNY PINKO
Sure, but, uh, I--I just got one question.
BETH HYMSON
Hmm?
ALL
What's my motivation?
BETH HYMSON
Let me explain.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules has just met up with his old flame,
Nemesis, and she's got quite a surprise
for him.
NEMESIS
...and you saved his life.
HERCULES
And this would be Evander.
NEMESIS
Yes, it would, Evander. Our baby. Shh--sh-sh-sh.
HERCULES
Our baby?
BETH HYMSON (voice-over)
But Nemesis has a secret, and she's too
ashamed to admit the truth.
ARES
He's my son. You don't wanna try me.
BETH HYMSON (voice-over)
But, it doesn't matter to Hercules, who promises
he'll always look after Evander.
HERCULES
I'll be back to see you, every chance I get and
before you know it, I'll be teaching you how to
wrestle, and throw the discus. You don't know
it now, but, one day you'll realize you're different,
and you'll wanna be like everyone else, but you
never will be. You're special. You're very special.
I will always be there for you. Always.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sock it to us, Pinko! And make it good.
JOHNNY PINKO
One moment, please.
Evander! I'll be back to see you, every chance I
get! Before you know it, I'll be teaching you how
to wrestle! How to--how to throw the discus,
huh?! It won't be an easy life to live, but, uh, I'll
be around to help, you know? I will...be there!
Whoo! Yes! Oh yes! Uh! Huh-huh.
Pretty good, huh?
ROBERT TAPERT
Uh-h.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Evander, I'll be back to see you every chance I get.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(singing) Hey, Evander!
(singing) I'll be back to see you, every chance I
get! Before you know it I'll be teaching you how
to wrestle and throw the discus! But, it won't be
an easy life to live but I'll do-
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well if we ever make a show called "Rejects,"
we'll know where to look.
ROBERT TAPERT
Beth, what're you doin' to me?! I've seen better
actors in a puppet show.
BETH HYMSON
Well, what do you expect? You should've told
me when you knew Sorbo was missing.
ROBERT TAPERT
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's not my fault, okay. It's
these damn writers. I thought they'd have
something for me by now.
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Come on. Say that again, please.
ROBERT TAPERT
You wanna piece of me, tough guy?
You'll have to go through Liz.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Ten bucks on Liz, first round.
Come on!
ALEX KURTZMAN
Would you guys quit it?! I mean, come on! Now
look, we're all working on a hit show, here. And
no matter what happens, nobody can take that
away from us.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Except Kevin Sorbo.
MELISSA BLAKE
Yeah, we have Davie on line one and Eric on
line two!
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Yeah.
Yeah go ahead, Davie.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kevin Sorbo's not in Spain, man!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Davie, just slow down. Take a breath.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't slow down. My life depends on it, you know?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You see? Now, that's the kind of commitment I
look for in my employees. Now, if you folks had
been working as hard as Davie here, I'd be
fishing now. Davie, remind me to give you a raise.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go ahead, Eric.
ERIC GRUENEMANN
Uh!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The crew found out!
ROBERT TAPERT
Eric, calm down. I can't understand you.
ERIC GRUENDEMANN
I tried to pretend I was Kevin, but, for some
reason, it didn't work! Oh, the horror! Get off me!
I made you people!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, you tell those idiots down there to behave,
or they're all fired!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh! Oh! Tell my wife I love her! Tell my son what
a great man I was!
We lost him.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
We're next! When the board finds out they're
gonna feed us to the mechanical shark in the
amusement park!
Somebody's gotta stop this insanity! Liz!
Too ugly. Too blonde. No. No. No. No.
MELISSA BLAKE
I brought smelling salts.
ROBERT TAPERT
No thanks, Melissa, I'm trying to cut down. Oh
hey, while you're here, take an inch or two off
the top, will ya? I'm gettin' a little shaggy.
MELISSA BLAKE
Oh, can I?! Oh, that would be the frosting on the
cake of my day!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh! Officer, they said they were eighteen. What
happened?
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Aftershock. You slipped and fell on my fist.
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Oh.
ROBERT TAPERT
All right, now people. We're back to square one.
How do we have a "Hercules" episode without
Hercules?
Well, sir, um-
MELISSA BLAKE
What about young Hercules?
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Go on.
MELISSA BLAKE
Well, he was a teenager once, wasn't he? I mean,
when did he first meet Iolaus? And what was
the first monster he killed? And how long has
he been wearing those pants?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hercules has always been a do-gooder. But
remember that Iolaus was a thief.
YOUNG IOLAUS
Don't worry. I'll take it.
YOUNG HERCULES
No!
YOUNG IOLAUS
Mine!
YOUNG HERCULES
Iolaus! Let-
MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
Maybe, they weren't always such good friends.
After all, boys will be boys.
JASON
And remember, balance is the key.
YOUNG IOLAUS
O-oh, o-oh, o-oh, looks like Hercules is a little
off-key. Balance...is...key!
MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
Maybe, he was even a little too cocky for his own
good.
YOUNG HERCULES
Guess I beat Ares' security system. That is a
big snake.
MELISSA BLAKE (voice-over)
It would be just like "The Wonder Years," but with
giant snakes!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're saved!
ROBERT TAPERT
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Melissa, you're a genius!
BETH HYMSON
Ah, excuse me? I'd hate to be a party-pooper
here, but, uh, we'd have to re-cast the entire
show and we haven't even found one decent
actor, today.
ROBERT TAPERT
Well, Skipper's got a point, too. Oh, but it'll make
a great spin-off. Melissa, remind me to give you
next Sunday off.
Comin' through! The board of directors are animals.
They want blood. If we don't come up with something
by five o'clock, the show is canceled.
ROBERT TAPERT
What?!
Oops!
END OF ACT THREE
ACT FOUR
What?! Bernie! Speak English! Are you telling
me, he'd rather do a hemorrhoids commercial?!
Fine! Fine. Then I'm sure he'll enjoy sticking it
where the sun don't shine!
Don Knotts won't do it.
ROBERT TAPERT
Well, keep at it, Beth. I don't wanna see your
face around here until you find me a new Hercules.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
What are you gonna do? It's almost five o'clock.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Actors. I wish we could do away with them altogether.
ROBERT TAPERT
Say, that gives me an idea.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What if we turn the show into a cartoon? Why,
we could have a bunch of 'toons doing all the
things that made this show the money-making
machine that feeds us all.
HERCULES
I never quit! Uh! Now! Drop him!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ha-ha! Cartoons! It's perfect! They're never late.
They don't complain. And they won't ask for raises.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Hello?! Am I the only one in this room
getting oxygen?! You still need Kevin's voice!
No Kevin, no cartoon.
ROBERT TAPERT
(to himself) "No Kevin, no cartoon."
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Well this is pointless. We should surrender
while we still got our dignity!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
We're ruined! I gotta get outta town! Quick!
ALEX KURTZMAN
Whoa! Wait--wait--wait--wait--wait. Whoa! Now
we have an idea. Go on, tell 'em.
ROBERTO GASTON ORCI
You're gonna love this.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the story of a time long ago. A time of myth
and legend, when the ancient gods were petty
and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one animal dared to challenge their power,
Chimpules!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty great, huh?
ROBERT TAPERT
Let me get this straight.
ALEX KURTZMAN
Yeah.
ROBERT TAPERT
You guys sit there like vegetables for six months,
and the first idea you come up with is "Chimpules"?!
ALEX KURTZMAN
Well, we were saving it for the right time.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
How the fu-
-did they get these jobs?!
ROBERT TAPERT
Don't look at me. Liz hired 'em.
LIZ FRIEDMAN
I used to baby-sit for 'em in high school. I didn't
realize they turned out to be such idiots.
ALEX KURTZMAN
Okay. Okay look. We didn't go to film school for
nothin'. And we've been working on this idea day
and night. And frankly I think, no, I know, you
guys are jealous of our talent. And you know
what?! It's not fair! It is not fair! Not fair! No-
Ow!
I've had it with you! Die! Die! Ow-w-w-w! My eye!
Get your finger out of my eye!
MELISSA BLAKE
Excuse me. The board of directors are on the
line. They'd like an answer.
Rob, I've been in this business twenty years,
and I think it's safe to say, this is the worst
staff in the entire history of television.
ALEX KURTZMAN
Ah! You smell, and your mother-
EXTRA
Smoke detected. Please evacuate the building
in an orderly fashion. This is not-
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
That's it. Little Jerry ain't foolin' around, no more.
O-oh! Uh!
ROBERT TAPERT
Uh! Melissa, get me a towel, will ya? My hair's
melting.
MELISSA BLAKE
Use my diploma, you dummy! It's not doing me
any good!
O-oh!
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Mr. Hollinsfoffer. I hope that this doesn't reflect
negatively on my s--situation.
Ah-h!
JERRY PATRICK BROWN
Like that?! Huh?! Do ya?! O-oh! Oh!
LIZ FRIEDMAN
Yeah!
ALEX KURTZMAN
You stinkin'-
Hi!
Ah-h-h-h-h! Die! Die! Die! Goddamn!
Is this a bad time?
Oh!
STRIFE
Yes!
ARES
This is a great day, indeed.
STRIFE
You said it, Uncle. Causing that earthquake, it
was a stroke of genius.
ARES
I know my brother couldn't put his show above
innocent lives. Mudslides, fires, earthquakes, I'll
bet he's had quite the busy day.
Oh, nice!
And now with these mortals about to uh, kill each
other? The show's as good as cancelled.
Yes, pretty soon, my brother's "legendary journeys"
will be but a distant memory and I'll be able to
watch "Millennium" in peace.
STRIFE
I miss "Cop Rock."
HERCULES
Oh, I'll sing something for you.
ARES
No. I do not believe this! You can't have
rescued everyone in this city by now.
HERCULES
It looks like you've underestimated me again
there, dear brother, but then, what else is new?
ARES
You are pathetic.
STRIFE
Pathetic.
ARES
Pretending to be a mortal. This--this--this, Kevin
Sorbo character. And you know what Dad thinks
about actors.
HERCULES
Well, wait--wait--wait. Since when did you start
caring about what Zeus thinks? Besides the uh,
world isn't ready for the truth.
ARES
This is not over, Hercules. We'll meet again.
HERCULES
Hmm, have your people call my people. We'll
do lunch.
Kevin Sorbo!
Kevin!
HERCULES
Am I interrupting anything?
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
Uh! We're saved!
Thank God!
We've been so worried!
ROBERT TAPERT
Ho! Ha! Ha! Kevin! I, you're-
PAUL ROBERT COYLE
(crying) Oh-h-h-h-h-h-h! Kevin! Can you ever
forgive us?! We thought we could do the show
without you?
ALEX KURTZMAN
Boy, were we wrong, huh?!
ROBERT TAPERT
It's been a long day.
BETH HYMSON
It's true, there's only one Hercules.
You're telling me.
ROBERT TAPERT
Uh, by the way, Kevin, um, where in the hell
were you all day?
HERCULES
Oh, I, uh, I got stuck in traffic.
B.S. HOLLINSFOFFER
Hmm.
HERCULES
Hey, after all, I'm only human.
Kevin, we wanna talk to you-
On the brighter side after one of the most
destructive earthquakes in recent memory, we're
happy to report there have been zero casualties,
all thanks to a mystery man who performed
miraculous rescues throughout the south land.
If you're watching, whoever you are, the city of
angels owes you a debt of gratitude. Thank you
and good night.
END OF ACT FOUR
STARRING
Kevin Sorbo as Hercules
Michael Hurst as Iolaus
Michael Hurst as Paul Robert Coyle
GUEST CAST
Hudson Leick as Liz Friedman
Hudson Leick as Callisto
Kevin Smith as Jerry Patrick Brown
Kevin Smith as Ares
Bruce Campbell as Robert Tapert
Ted Raimi as Alex Kurtzman
Robert Trebor as B.S. Hollingfoffer
Gina Torres as Beth Hymson
Joel Tobeck as David Scott Pollison
Joel Tobeck as Strife
Lisa Chappell as Melissa Blake
Paul Glover as Roberto Gaston Orci
Willy DeWit as Eric Gruendeman
Charles Mesure as Johnny Pinko
Patrick Wilson as Evil Warlord
Ian Mune as Director
Jason Tahu as Paintball Player
Kim Raynes as Cocktail Waitress
Elisabeth Hawthorne as Newscaster
Les Dwight as Elvis Hercules
Liam McFarland as Cool Hercules
Grant Adams as Clapper Loader
Written by: Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci
Directed by: Christopher Graves
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the Hercules cast and the Renaissance staff is purely intentional.
